I saw a play and a character said that he was destined to never feel at home.

I hate how I get crazy whenever anything goes the opposite way as it's supposed. After nineteen years you'd figure I'd grow to deal with it. I wish I didn't need to use drugs and alcohol to cover up the pain of hopelessness. I wish I could finally find myself and be happy for real. Maybe I'm just destined to die alone and miserable.

SUP

I'm feeling a lot better lately. The rent is paid,the house is clean, and I've got a whole lot of things starting to look up. And most importantly, I'm not hung up on the whole girl situation anymore. There's better people out there and I'm actually starting to realize that. :)

I'll be the first to say it,

I'm going down a terrible path. I don't care anymore. I lost all willpower to live until I find something worth wanting to wake up to.

Since I have no one to speak my mind to

I'll rant over the internet about my problems and difficulties.

It's wednesday and it's raining.
I'm still unhappy.

I will never post in this again.

It is pointless.




I can see my life getting pretty weird from here.

November 6th

I just want my girlfriend back. I want the sweet committed girl back that I used to know. I'm not going to stop fighting until everything is ok again.

Hello October

Let's hope this year is as good as last years.

Yesterday was probably the happiest I've been since the hospital. And it's looking like it knocked me out of that shitty state of depression as well. I'm so glad I have someone who really gives a shit about me again. I was on the verge of losing my mind (yet again) and things seemed to work itself out. I couldn't appreciate anything more than that. I love all my friends and family who kept me running throughout the past month. It's safe to say I'd be dead without everyone.

On a side note, check this out. So excited for the new Say Anything record.

honestly,

I miss last fall more than anything. Everything was so perfect. :(

9/24

Totally trying to get this ASAP

Oh well,

You got me under your spell.

fghjkl

I'm growing to hate everyone around me. I need new friends.

ghjkl;

Things have been getting a lot better. My brain still hurts though.

ghujkl

shit.

Story of my life

Max Bemis' music has helped me through the shittiest times since freshman year. He is the man.

I

Really really really hate myself still. And everyone else on this shitty earth.

Shit,

I've been doing really really good all week. All I've been doing is self medicating by abusing alcohol and other bad things. It really sucks being sober anymore. I really just want to talk to someone for hours on end.

Umad

just sayin'

dude!

you're gonna be sooo mad. You suck dick. Both of you. We're gonna be so cute.

I'm

not even worried about it anymore. You suck dick, that doesn't mean my life has to.

l;kjhgfd

I still don't like being alive.

It is my birthday

it sucks so far.

I really enjoy listening to bands that make me hate my life a little less though.

fghjkl

Friends are going away to college while I'm stuck in the same routine. I start school on the 15th so that should be pretty lame. Not too worried about it. 2 nights a week for 3 and a half months isn't going to kill me. Today is my last day of having health insurance so if god decides to strike me down it better be by midnight. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm not too excited. Blink 182 on my birthday should be pretty rad though. I've been tagging some street signs around Pine Hill lately with the Stone Cold Steve Austin skull and one of the skull on abe lincoln's body lately. I hope people notice it. That'd be sweet. I did it on a sign in a high traffic area last night so it'll be funny driving by it every day. I ordered a legit 2 color screen print press last night so I'm going to be pumping out a shitload of shirts once I get it. I'm so excited for it! Anyways here's my latest shirt. Holla at it at http://joestippick.bigcartel.com/ Jawn's only 3 bucks plus shipping so get it! I'm trying to save up for a flash dryer so I don't need to iron the shit out of them to cure em!

Everyone sucks dick

I want to move.

Shirts!

So not too long ago I got into screen printing, here's some of my work so far! I plan to do a lot more and also more complex designs!

Crucial Dudes Tank top(first shirt I did!)


Crucial Dudes 'Skate Dogz' T-Shirt


I Heart Veg T-Shirt

Back(The shirt was twisted so it looks off center)

Signs of love

I know I'm not the only one who's felt it. We both feel it and so strongly. If it weren't for that feeling every time I'm close to you I'd be afraid, but I know we're going to be just fine. All in good time.

:)

I think I'm gonna try to go vegan again really soon. Life will just suck without pizza so I doubt it'd last long.

But I'm so happy lately. I don't have the one thing I want and love but they're helping me get by. And honestly, I think one day soon enough I'll have that. It's just a matter of waiting. And for her I'll wait forever.

Dear you,

I want you back. More than anything I've ever wanted. I've been beating myself up so much all week just thinking about what I had. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. You understood me and loved me more than I could ever ask. I really hate myself for how stupid I became. I don't know why I got like that but I can assure you I will never be like that to anyone ever again. I didn't see how awful I was being until after you left me and it absolutely kills me. I just want you to be happy. But I know I've made you so happy before. You were the happiest girl with me. If you could just trust me and not listen to your friends for once I know you could do this with me. Start completely fresh. And this isn't just another phase, it's who I REALLY am again. You know how I really am. And I'm going to prove that to you. Wether it leaves me even more heart broken or not, I'll show you I really meant it when I said I'd always love you no matter what. Just please forgive me and let me make you happy again some day soon. I'd give the world to see you smile because of me again.

Alone again.

Start working a second job tomorrow morning. Looking for apartments and starting to save up. Fuck this life.

I hate everything

Everything sucks. I just got a new job and I plan to move away from everyone soon enough. I hate all my friends and everyone in my life. I hate myself even more. I'm glad anxiety is getting the best of me. Fuck you.

7-27-09

Wake up man,you're fucking up. You're going to fall back hard and I won't be here anymore. Time to get in touch with reality.

7-16

I'm going to be late for work.
And quite frankly I don't give a shit.

6-26-09

I wish I got the attention all the dead people get.

6-25-09

I want to wake up and smile.
I want to find who I really am.
I want to express myself,
In my own ways.
In my own words.

lol

If I didn't get kicked out of school I'd be graduating right now. Looks like I'm fuckin' up for working the past 15 months without an in between and making money while still having the same exact piece of paper I'd be getting if I stayed in school. And I'm going to school in the fall still. All while still doing more than most graduates from my school. Looks like I'm not fuckin' up after all. Oh and also may I add, I never a.) did or dealt any kind of drugs b.) Got in any kind of trouble with the police c.) Got in any type of car accident/pulled over d.) never didn't have a job after being out of school for more than a month e.) killed someone. Not too many people In Timber Creek class of '09 can say the same. Way to go, douche bags!

Hey

1.) Get a job you lazy faggot.
2.) Stop being a faggot.
3.) You're not 14 anymore,stop acting it,faggot.
4.) You're a giant faggot.

If you're reading this, this most likely isn't about you. So don't be a faggot.

6-13-09

The past 4 days I haven't eaten anything dairy I'v been retarded sick so enough of that. It sucked anyway.

6-11-09

It's hard being on a low sodium diet vegetarian. So for the next 2-3 weeks when I go back to the doctors I'm going vegan. I've made it one day so far, let's see how long this lasts.

6-10-09

I've been waiting months for this weather! WOO!



Chillin' in AC



I'm gonna trip BAWLZ!

6-5-09

Today was so good. Joe Fuscia is the man. woo!

I

Really fucking hate how all of a sudden I'm a bad person for someone starting a rumor about me. I never said a word about a person but according to the world I'm a liar. I really fucking hate you all. And I hope you and your fucking ego eat a giant load of shit.

I'm changing

I don't care who does or doesn't like it. I'm growing to not care nearly as much over dumb shit anymore. I'm not trying to be stuck in the past. I don't care what people say/think about me. I'm myself, and that's more than you'll ever be.

6-1-09

First day of June and it feels great. I feel like there's a lot on my chest I need to get off of.

1- I don't care I don't care I don't care! I'm sick of all this worrying.
2- Anxiety sucks
3- People in my past need to stay there.(Except 1 person)
4- People change,get over it.
5- I'm changing,for the better I'd say. I'm growing to like everything and leave all the hate behind. Life's too short to be miserable.
6- I'm getting sick of all the same thing. I want to get out.
7- New Jersey is a drag.
8- I still don't want to drink, but I hate how all these 'straight-edge' kids act. Seriously, you're all really annoying.(No offense to anyone in particular)
9- I'm growing up A LOT and I like where it's going.
10- Everything is alright (hopefully my chest x-ray and blood work turn out fine tomorrow!) Although, I am quite nervous.

5-29-09

Starting tomorrow I'm only doing 1 a week, I'm tired of using shitty ones.

5-28-09

Another shitty day outside.


Only thing slightly interesting in this shitty town,and it's not even interesting. Bummer.

5-27-09

Wasn't able to get out the past two days to get any shots. Bummer.


Just a crappy shot of a sign in the parking lot. Really wanna go out and get some good shots this weekend to make up for the past few days.

5-26-09

5-25-09

Philadelphia, how I miss you.

5-24-09

5-23-09

5-23-09

I meant to do this last night but I never got a chance to.


Penn's landing

5-21-09

I think I'm gonna do a photo a day thing on here. Let's see how long this lasts.


Here's a few from the past week:
(Click for high res. they look a lot less shitty bigger.)







(hahahahahahahhhhahhahahahaha)

Growth

Adorable.

5-14-09

I hate having no free time to just sit and enjoy myself for even an hour. The past week I've had work and then directly after other shit to do. I hate ordering shit online and it taking forever to get even more.ugh

4-13-09

I'm going to the Phillies game tonight with my family! Apparently they're real good seats so I'm pretty excited about that. I just ordered a camera so I can start dallying around with taking pictures for fun to keep myself occupied. Last weekend really got me motivated to start doing more things with the little free time I have. I hate sitting around days at a time not doing anything. Also, Monday I searched for a new job for hours only realizing I'd never want to do anything I'm actually qualified for. I'm gonna go to the technical school by the end of the month to sign up for the CNA course in September. I'm really excited to get to do something new and actually rewarding for once. I plan doing that then finding a job at a nursing home preferably until I go back to take the course to become an LPN. I've been wanting a 'real' job for awhile now,but I don't want to do any extreme physical labor so being a nursing aide really seems like something I can enjoy for once. I've been waiting since August to get into the Drywall Union to become a drywall finisher but I'm really sick of sitting and waiting for the economy to pick up. Anyway, it's not even what I want to do,so I'm just happy I found something I'm really looking forward too.

5-12-09

It really sucks when you realize you miss something you had but lost a long time ago. And it's even worse knowing you won't get it back. I really wish I weren't an idiot when I was younger.

Anyway, I'm signing up to go to Camden County Technical School this week. I decided it's time I do something with my life after a year and a half of nothing. I can't wait for everything to start building up again.

4-20 (lol)

Finally just about done with my bike. All weekend has been spent converting it from a 12 speed to a single and I couldn't be happier. I repainted it to flat black and it looks real awesome. I'm getting new tires tomorrow and then a new single freewheel next week. After I'm all done with this I'm probably gonna do a fixed gear bike for the hell of it. But as for now I'm in love!

This months project.

This should be awesome. I'm getting a 1980's 12 speed western flyer bike on craigslist that I'm gonna turn into a fixed gear. So far the bike was $40 so I'm gonna try to do this as cheap,yet awesome as possible. I'm going to get it after work tomorrow,then hopefully get started on it friday. I'm really excited for this.

4-14

Have you ever realized you have nothing to live for and your entire existence is an utter waste of space?

I have.

I'm always tired

I don't remember the last good sleep I had. I'm gonna google how to sleep well and hopefully I won't have to be miserable all the time. It's sad when you have to google how to sleep.

4-2 Pt.2

I'm going to start using my voice. I'm not quietly hanging low anymore.

4-2

Fuck slumps. I'm always falling in em and it's getting real old. But after last night I realized I'm only growing closer to my friends. I've never felt as close to people as I have lately. I could sit in a car and talk all day about absolutely nothing at all. As unhappy as I am right now I'm relieved I've got good friends and good plans. I've been in a weird mental state of mind the past few weeks just knowing things are changing. And pretty damn drastic at that. It's refreshing though, seeing new faces, going new places, and forming new habits. I feel like a lot of good is going to come from all the mishaps,disappointments, and other things of that sort for once. There's so many rad things out there for me and I'm actually going to start taking advantage of them. I'm not even gonna say the phrase "just wait" like I always do because I always do and push it to the back of my list. Well I'm getting my hands on every opportunity that comes my way. And I love how I have so much things I get done while I'm at work. As shitty as it is, it gets my head running the way it should be. With everything in store for me and the future I can say I'm content.

On another note, it's pretty pathetic people are still hung up on things of the past. Writing blogs about me won't make you happy or cool or whatever it is you're looking for. It just shows you can't let go of the past and that's going to hold you back from doing bigger better things one day. You've still got a lot of learning to do though. Maybe not educational, but definitely mental.

4/1

I've been having some really weird dreams lately and they're really starting to freak me out. The other day I had one where I was driving home with my family late at night and all of a sudden it got bright out because of an impending bombing. I don't know why the hell it got light out but it did. Then all the rest of the dream I was trying to find ways to run escape it. That whole thing was just weird because I've been shit afraid of that kind of thing happening since I was a little kid. But the dream that really freaked me out was one I had this morning/last night. I was at the mall or with some friends and we were walking around. Then I get bored and somehow it's a school now and I walk into the library. I sit down on a couch and look behind the counter and see Frank. For those who don't know,Frank was a good friend of mine from school who passed away just over 2 years ago. So, I run up to him and get real happy seeing him. I guess in my dream I just thought I hadn't seen him in awhile or something simple. After the whole encounter with him I ran back over to who I came with and just said, "I absolutely love seeing real good old friends after a long time." And then I woke up. I'm still all freaked out from it because it is absolutely the shittiest feeling on earth when you lose a friend like that. You go every day with seeing them and talking to them and then they're just gone. I still remember the phone call I got about it too well. I was at my then girlfriends,Danielle, house sitting on the floor in her playroom thing watching TV. It was maybe 5 or 6 o' clock and Jimmy Kelly(of all people) called me and told me someone heard what had happened. I didn't believe him at first and thought of it as nothing since who he said had told him didn't seem like the best of resources. But after about 10 minutes of nothing but that running through my head, it really hit me. It was hands down the shittiest feeling I've ever had. I was just silent. Didn't want to talk to anyone or even open my eyes. I called my mom and had her come pick me up cause I just wanted to go home. So while waiting for her we sat on her front porch just confused. I got home and just let it all out in my room. I locked myself in there for days after school every day and just cried. And it takes a hell of a lot for me to do something like that. At school was the worst though. They made an announcement in the morning and had a moment of silence before the morning news. I don't think I said a single word for about two weeks in school. Just put my head down every period and kept to myself. There was something thing the counselors had in the library for "all of the people who were friends with him and had trouble being in school" which was basically a bullshit excuse to get out of a few periods of work. I couldn't even pull myself to go down there because I knew I'd only get worse. Thinking back on everything still bothers me an absurd amount to this day. After I woke up I went over to my shelf thing and picked up the piece of the newspaper I have framed that has a picture of him and a short description type deal. I read it over and realized it's been 2 years 2 weeks ago. So that got me feeling pretty shitty. I should do something cool on his birthday since it's about a week and a half away. I just wish I knew where he was buried at so I can go see him. Ughhhhhh.

3-30

I <3 karma.

Soooooooooooooooo

No more meat. Johnnie challenged me to see who can last longer. Winner gets a free t-shirt! hahaha. But it's all good. I've done it before and went a solid month. let's see what we can do now. And just so everyone knows I'm not doing it to be cool/fit in/or because of someone. Just trying to get a shirt for free lol. And I've been saying how I wanted to try something new lately so here we go.

I

Have never wanted to jump off of a bridge as bad as I'd love to now.

Ughhh

I feel like I'm getting sick every time I'm in my house. I want to get out. I want to do new things so bad. I have such a darker creative side than I really seem to show. Maybe one day I won't be so lazy and can get it all out. It's getting too much to just keep all in my head. I want to spill my insides out for once. And I really hate starting every sentence with the letter "I". ughhhhhh

Lately,

I have wayyyy too many emotions going through my mind. Not very many of them are too positive either. I've never felt so mad/betrayed in my entire existence. All I've got to say is I hope you choke on every word that comes out of your mouth about me.

Sooooooooo

This weekend really open my eyes to a lot of things. A big one is that I really need to start eating normal. All that fast food and shit turnpike rest stop food isn't really too appealing to me anymore. I'm gonna start cooking shit myself now. Like legit not just making waffles or spaghettio's. I was in cooking class long enough to know how to read a damn recipe so I'll be fine. And back to taking daily vitamins as well! And little to no soda either. Hooray for getting back into shape and being healthy again!

For real

I know exactly who my real best friends are. and they fucking rule.

We're all better off without you.

fghjk

Some friend you are.

Big weekend

I slept for a good 4 hours last night and I doubt I'll be getting much more throughout the whole weekend. But it's all good, I'm real excited for everything. delaware tonight and of course Pizza U. As bad as it makes me feel I can never deny it. I'll try to keep up on this throughout the weekend. Not that anyone actually reads this religiously! That'd be funny if someone's life was that boring they had to read about mine everyday. Whatever! Off to Alec's now!

:)

Taco Bell for lunch. tell me there's something better?!

I want

to do something real different than what I'm used to. Just for like a few weeks or something. Or even something real drastic for a week. Like not drive at all or even have someone else drive me. Just ride a bike or walk. I don't know I just want something exciting. ugh

Weird

Pretty much everyone in my extended family has added me on Facebook the past two days. Pretty weird.

But in other news Laur's prom is coming up soon.ugh. Not too thrilled,I'd rather do something rad than hang out with a bunch of dumb kids I don't know dressed like an idiot. And even the weekend of doesn't sound too fun either. Woo for hanging around drunk people. Not that I even care if anyone or myself drinks anymore it's just lame that the routine prom weekend rituals will go down,Drinking and doing it. I think I'm going to steer away from both. Have it as a big fuck you to all the kids who are doing the same stupid shit everyone else is. I'll think of something fucking epic to not even have to think about that shit. But Lauren said she'll end up drinking so that just means I'll have to have some fun making her looking like an idiot haha :). But whatever it doesn't really bother me anymore. Certain people completely killed the whole 'straight-edge' thing for me. Can't you just not drink or do drugs and have that be it? It's pretty lame when people make it something so retarded other people want to avoid that. Not that I want to drink or anything,but at this point I don't even care. But spring is coming up real soon which is way way way way way way way way way way way way way way cool. I've been waiting for fucking ever it seems. This year is going to rule. 

Nothing beats

Waking up to birds chirping and being too hot to sleep with a blanket. It's finally getting nicer out and I haven't been anything but ecstatic since. FUCK YES!

Fuck yea

Beautiful outside today! Totally busting out my cutoffs:)

ghbjknml

Sometimes I fucking hate you.

fghjk

I feel like I've wasted so much time over my 18 years. ugh.

I

Hope you die soon.

HEY!

EAT THE BIGGEST PLATE OF SHIT

Fuck the snow

I've been sitting in my room all day. I really fucking hate the snow and the cold. FUCK

Oh how I love

Jason Titner:)

Let me tell you 'bout my best friend.

Alec McFrog. Best dude ever. Need I say more?

I'm tired

Of being stuck in a car for hours at a time,Being so far from home,and Not having fun anymore.

Dude!

I miss last spring/summer. I miss having two of the raddest best friends on the planet. I miss playing frisbee in front of Joe Fuscia's house. I miss driving around aimlessly and going to little caesars an absurd amount of times a week. I miss putting Laffout stickers on Bobby Selko's car. :(

oh thats my nigga

Is it bad I'm starting to like my cat more than my friends? Even if he is drooling all over my bed. I didn't even know cats could do that?

fghjk

I HATE having to wait for something I reallyreallyreally want. I hate ordering stuff online cause the anticipation eats away my focus until that day it comes. AH!

On a side not I plan to get a lot of new things done this coming spring. No more laziness and never doing anything new. Just wait!

Sweet

Just got these in the mail today after ordering em last week. They're pretty rad to put it simple. The insides are an awesome pinstripe kinda pattern so that's pretty sweet too. woo!

I shouldn't even be here today

I'm so tired from this weekend and of course my mom's making me work for her again on my day off. I hate working early. I wish I could just sleep in the back of a van and play a set for half hour 5 days a week instead of working. That'd be the day.

Anywho, I think I'm gonna go to guitar center after work and check out some guitars. I've got my eye on the Epiphone ES-333 lately(tom delonge sign.) and I'm pretty sure I'll end up getting it. Not just cause it's tom's,I've wanted a semi hollow for awhile now and I just don't want the Epiphone dot cause it looks pretty shitty.haha.And the only semi hollow fender makes is that tele thinline which is kinda dumb looking. But who knows! I just need something to keep me busy!

So close

Hurry up spring,I'm tired of waiting for you. 

I can't wait to play baseball and frisbee and hang out outside with just a t shirt and cutoffs again. Only a few more short weeks!

Cool

I'm glad I can't ever have a girl not go fucking crazy. It was all good and then you hit that fucking two and a half month shit bump. I swear it has happened every fucking time I've gone out with a girl after 2 and a half months they turn into werewolves. UGH

eareg

I'm so ready for spring. Last week was absolutely beautiful out. And now it's shitty cold again back to the low 40's. I can't take this shitty weather much longer. I know everything will rule once it's warm out. Maybe I'll just sleep for the next month.

Ok for real

I'm fucking through with shitty friends. I'm weeding out the old who are wasting my fucking space and start hanging out with other people I never really got too close with that I wanted to. So fuck off if you're ignoring me/avoiding me/being a fucking tool/and so on. Seriously.

Quite simply,

You're a fag. EAT A HUGE BOWL OF DICKS.

tfyui

Someone start a band with me along the lines of piebald,the get up kids,etc.

For real it'd rule!

tgrf

I'm tired of everything. It's all the same and I'm fucking sick of it. but I think I'm moving since my parents are insane and I'm too lazy to move out myself. Whatever I just want to meet new people who don't suck/aren't self-centered/etc. I want warm weather. I want to do something new musically. I want a real job.I want to drive a lot less.I want to go a lot further away.When will things change for the better? ugh

fghjk

I'm actually in a really good mood today. It's pretty weird if you read my last post which was just yesterday. But last night actually ended on a good note even though I was in an awful mood until about 9 o' clock. I got home from practice then went and hung out with johnnie for a little bit. We went to taco bell for the first time in months so that was awesome and then did the usual wal-mart trip. I don't know why but just being away from everyone else made me feel a lot better. But then I went home at 11ish and just sat in bed and played guitar for awhile which really got me wanting to start writing more stuff by myself. Just for fun and all. I was watching acoustic videos of max bemis I'd watch every day freshman year and figured I'd try to learn them since I tried then and sucked but I actually felt like they weren't nearly as hard as I thought they were years ago. That made me pretty happy realizing I don't suck AS MUCH anymore haha. But it's cool since I've been getting noticeably better at everything I've been doing for the past 2 or 3 years. Progress rules. And so does wawa's diet lemonade iced tea, i just got it for the first time in a few months and I forgot how rad things really are. Hell yeah for good moods, I like being happy a lot more than miserable all the time. Let's hope it sticks!

Fuck it

So if anyone is actually reading this fucking thing and doesn't know me too well then you're an asshole for reading this. I'm an asshole for writing this. Everyone is a fucking asshole when it comes down to it. I hate everything so I'm obviously one. But it's not my fault really. Eighteen fucking years of shit. Ever since I was little I remember hating all the fucking popular trends and patterns that all the little faggot 'cool kids' did. Well fuck them. Fuck their friends,fuck their money,fuck their trends,fuck their families,and everything associated with them. Sorry I'm not a rich,pretty,little faggot like everyone else. But you know what? I don't care. I don't care what anyone fucking thinks of me. Why though? Am I just rebelling or some other stupid shitty excuse people come up with? No. Because I'm fucked. I always have been. And until something changes that, always will be. I've got no future,sanity,happiness, and quite frankly I don't give a shit. I often try to do something for myself then realize there's not a god damn thing out there for me. I'm more than convinced I'll never be happy,I'll die alone,miserable and young,and won't ever have any success in shit. I have no desire to go to school like the rest of the prick douchebags I went to high school with. All college is is a fucking place to pour all your fucking money into when you don't have any just to get a real fucking job. Why the fuck do you need to pay thousands of fucking dollars for knowledge? Why not just let anyone with a fucking desire for doing something get in? Instead charge a shitload of money just so you can have some asshole teach you pointless shit just so some bigger asshole later on in life will hire you to be their fucking slave. Fuck that. And if anyone actually got this far and is thinking 'wow,he's fucking gay/stupid/a loser/etc. well fuck you. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks and I'll continue to speak my fucking mind because I'm my own god damn person. And that's one thing I have that most of you fuckers don't. I'm my fucking self. Not by the shitty clothes I wear to make people think I'm cool or the fucking shit I own, it's about my fucking heart. And if you want to criticize me then go ahead just remember you're not fucking perfect. Whether it's that fucking math test you cheated on in fucking 7th grade or that girl you used for a fucking night,you're a fucking asshole. Fuck everything you have to fucking say because once again, I don't care. But I wish I did care about something. I'm eighteen years old, I shouldn't want to die as much as I really do. And I'm not just a little emotional fuck saying that for attention. I really wish I would die quite often. I feel like I don't have shit worth living for. But family is forever! Fuck that. I wish I had a fucking mom who cared about me and would always try making me feel better when I'm upset or a dad who would have a fucking catch with me or take me to a football game or some of that bullshit. Instead I have a mom who would rather tell me I'm a piece of shit than give me advice and a dad who has beat the shit out of me for no fucking reason. It may be sad to say but the best memories I have involving my father is the month he couldn't come within 100 feet of me. And I always liked my mom when I didn't know where she was. Like when she went to rehab and I had no clue she was gone for a month. I don't remember being as miserable than as I am now. And I see all these brothers and sisters on TV loving each other. I sit down everyday and wonder if that's just made up bullshit or it's just my 'family,' Why does my older brother who I used to look up to never come around? I see him once if that every six months. He only lives 20 minutes away,how come he never came and hung out with me like we would when we were little? And my oldest sister,when I was young she used to be one of my favorite people on the fucking earth and now I haven't heard from her in years,she's completely fucked up,has 3+ kids and none have the same fucking father. Whatever happened to morals? But my other sister,we lived together for awhile but I just lost my mind when I was gone. But why did she have so many problems? Why did she abuse drugs and alcohol so much and try killing herself all the fucking time? Was it because she felt the way I have for the past year? Who knows. And last but not least my younger brother,why the fuck is he such an asshole. He's fourteen years old and is so out of touch with reality it fucking baffles me. I know fourteen is young but it sure as hell is old enough to not be a fucking idiot like he is. "I'm not afraid to stab someone" so he he says,but he's just a giant paranoid 6 year old stuck in a older persons body. Why does he run away all the time? Does he think he has it bad? Parents that actually care for him.Is that bad these days? I will never fucking forget the day my dad beat the shit out of me just because he thought I hit him. Did I? No. My dad came outside and beat my fucking ass for him. And when I say that I don't mean he pulled me in the corner and spanked me. I mean he punched me in the fucking head over and over and over. I was on the ground and he fucking sat on me punching and punching. I was 15 years old getting beat up by a 300 pound 45 year old for no fucking reason. My mom sat in her fucking chair and watched him continue to kick the shit out of me. Why would anyone deserve that? Out of everyone in that fucking house why did I get it? What about my sister who was stealing my 'parents' credit cards,or my other sister who was out dealing/doing drugs. But me,the 15 year old who had so much fucking future until then. That's when I realized I really am fucked. 6 months later I get hit by a fucking truck and break both my legs. Why? Because I was riding my bike and some asshole wasn't paying attention. Why the fuck am I always forced miserable? What the fuck did I do to deserve all the bullshit that's happened to me? Why did the one fucking person I felt that actually loved me have to pass away? Why me?Why did I have to get kicked out of school when it was my fucking dream to graduate and shove it down my parents throats. I was a fucking A student and I got kicked out for living across the fucking street from the district. I could walk 5 fucking feet out my door and be considered in that fucking district. But no, I simply took up too much room in classes full of eight fucking kids. Well fuck schooling. It's a fucking waste of time. I don't care if I never do anything with my life because every time I set my fucking focus towards something it gets fucked. So I really don't give a shit about anything so maybe good things will happen since the adverse effect comes with good intentions. So fuck everything at least I know I'm doomed. But I do have one person who I know loves me back. She's pretty much the only reason I haven't jumped off a bridge or eaten a fucking battery yet. So I can't say everything in my life is awful cause I still have that one person who won't let me just give up and do nothing. Maybe that's what I've needed my whole life. Just one person who I know loves me to push me to do better for myself. Well let's just hope she's there to do so for awhile because I have a feeling she's it. After four or five months of knowing her I really feel more strongly about her than anyone in my entire fucking life. Call me a faggot if you want but just remember it's not about how long you've known someone or what you've done with them,it's about your fucking hearts yet again. So fuck off if you have shit to say because for once in my god damn shitty life I am happy. I'm seriously fucking happy with one thing and I intend to keep it that way. So whatever has given me all this shit in my life, fuck you. Well I guess it's time I get back to 'reality' and finish up at work. Oh and if you read this entire thing,I'm sorry for wasting your time. The end.

Fuck you

new jersey.I hate the cold,I just want it to be warm again.

And fuck shitty friends. I'm not wasting another second of my life on fat,asshole,inconsiderate,douche bags ever again.

sdfghjk

Work at 7 am sucks! especially with a show the night before. But I'm happy how things are turning out right now. I got to hang out with Alec last night and that ruled. Me him and Jason are going to philly today to get some records!woo! Me and Jason have been getting along really well lately too. We're trying to get a house or apartment or something together towards the fall so that's going to be awesome. If only Lauren were ungrounded I'd have my life set. But I'm not too worried about it. one more thing,FUCK THE WINTER! I hate the cold so much. It's cool when it's like october and you haven't had anything under like 55 in months but then once december is over,FUCK IT! I'm tired of driving to work in the morning with no heat since mines an idiot. I want it to be 80 forever. ah!

Note to self

Never eat chili when you don't have access to a bathroom for several hours ever again.

Fuck what you think

After about 3 or 4 months of seeing this girl i can honestly say I'm in love.I don't care how long you've been dating your gf/bf we really have something that i know other people don't.I've never felt such an intense connection with anyone else but her.So eat me out if you have something to say otherwise.

2 in 1 day?

Well today was interesting. Have you ever woken up and just knew it was going to be an awful day? Even though you've looked forward to this day for months,you still have that feeling in your stomach? Well I did today. I had to wake up at 630 for work and I got there 15 minutes early so I sat in my car hating my life until 7:15. I worked until 12 and planned on getting lauren after work to come hang out at my house then go to the show we had tonight. But at about 11:30 Lauren texts me and said her mom knows she's dating someone(mind you her mom is completely insane and won't let her date who she wants even though she's 18 so we've been sneaking around her the past 3 months.) Well she keeps texting me more and more bad news throughout the day and her mom went crazy and ran away or some shit? i just take it as ok I'm sure she'll cool down after a little bit.Well a few hours later I get the text saying we can't see each other anymore. And that coming from a person you've put so much work into making things work so well and falling in love with isn't too great. We have such a good connection and get along so well it just amazes me how perfect we are for each other(sorry for sounding like I love dick but I've never once felt this way towards a girl like this) Well me being in a shitty state of depression as it is try to basically end that resulting in me being mentally and physically unstable to do anything.I tried driving to jasons to go to the show but I had to pull over and eventually turn around cause I wasn't going to make it there too well and if I did I didn't want to hurt jason if I ended up driving to AJ's. Now I have no idea if I have any friends left and I'm not gonna be able to see my girlfriend much at all until her mom finally stops being so stubborn and finally meets me. I'm still dizzy and feeling goofy so I'm not too sure as to what's going on and I'm sure none of this makes sense but I just really need a place to vent. I really want to go to a therapist or something because I have way too many problems to just keep inside. Especially if I try 'hurting' myself as often as I do.Or at least think about it. I just hope everyone is gonna forgive me for being an idiot. but whatever,I just really need to get my life in order. I need to do something about this depression since it's only getting worse over the years. I still remember the first day i realized I had it I was real little. My parents were divorced from kindergarten through 6 grade and I'd come home from my mom's house on sundays and just cry in my room for no real reason. I don't think kids that young should have to do that.It really sucks how many problems I have and how shy i am so I don't open up to anyone to ever vent therefore they just get worse. And writing about it on the internet doesn't really help at all,it just makes me look pathetic.Well I really don't know how much this thing makes sense now so I'll just end it here.

FUCK

So after getting out of this area every once in awhile really shows me how shitty it is here. I'm tired of this fucking grey plain dirty town. I want to move somewhere where it's absolutely beautiful and actually fun. I don't care how far away I have to go to be happy or who the fuck won't be near me,I'm just sick of this suck. Maybe if it could be May all year long it would be awesome but thats not possible of course! Fuck you new jersey. Fuck you winter. I just want it to be 80 all year round and always fucking sunny. I'd be SO happy for once with just nice weather all the time. That and less inconsiderate,egotistical,racist,ignorant,and dumb kids. FUCK