tgrf

I'm tired of everything. It's all the same and I'm fucking sick of it. but I think I'm moving since my parents are insane and I'm too lazy to move out myself. Whatever I just want to meet new people who don't suck/aren't self-centered/etc. I want warm weather. I want to do something new musically. I want a real job.I want to drive a lot less.I want to go a lot further away.When will things change for the better? ugh

fghjk

I'm actually in a really good mood today. It's pretty weird if you read my last post which was just yesterday. But last night actually ended on a good note even though I was in an awful mood until about 9 o' clock. I got home from practice then went and hung out with johnnie for a little bit. We went to taco bell for the first time in months so that was awesome and then did the usual wal-mart trip. I don't know why but just being away from everyone else made me feel a lot better. But then I went home at 11ish and just sat in bed and played guitar for awhile which really got me wanting to start writing more stuff by myself. Just for fun and all. I was watching acoustic videos of max bemis I'd watch every day freshman year and figured I'd try to learn them since I tried then and sucked but I actually felt like they weren't nearly as hard as I thought they were years ago. That made me pretty happy realizing I don't suck AS MUCH anymore haha. But it's cool since I've been getting noticeably better at everything I've been doing for the past 2 or 3 years. Progress rules. And so does wawa's diet lemonade iced tea, i just got it for the first time in a few months and I forgot how rad things really are. Hell yeah for good moods, I like being happy a lot more than miserable all the time. Let's hope it sticks!

Fuck it

So if anyone is actually reading this fucking thing and doesn't know me too well then you're an asshole for reading this. I'm an asshole for writing this. Everyone is a fucking asshole when it comes down to it. I hate everything so I'm obviously one. But it's not my fault really. Eighteen fucking years of shit. Ever since I was little I remember hating all the fucking popular trends and patterns that all the little faggot 'cool kids' did. Well fuck them. Fuck their friends,fuck their money,fuck their trends,fuck their families,and everything associated with them. Sorry I'm not a rich,pretty,little faggot like everyone else. But you know what? I don't care. I don't care what anyone fucking thinks of me. Why though? Am I just rebelling or some other stupid shitty excuse people come up with? No. Because I'm fucked. I always have been. And until something changes that, always will be. I've got no future,sanity,happiness, and quite frankly I don't give a shit. I often try to do something for myself then realize there's not a god damn thing out there for me. I'm more than convinced I'll never be happy,I'll die alone,miserable and young,and won't ever have any success in shit. I have no desire to go to school like the rest of the prick douchebags I went to high school with. All college is is a fucking place to pour all your fucking money into when you don't have any just to get a real fucking job. Why the fuck do you need to pay thousands of fucking dollars for knowledge? Why not just let anyone with a fucking desire for doing something get in? Instead charge a shitload of money just so you can have some asshole teach you pointless shit just so some bigger asshole later on in life will hire you to be their fucking slave. Fuck that. And if anyone actually got this far and is thinking 'wow,he's fucking gay/stupid/a loser/etc. well fuck you. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks and I'll continue to speak my fucking mind because I'm my own god damn person. And that's one thing I have that most of you fuckers don't. I'm my fucking self. Not by the shitty clothes I wear to make people think I'm cool or the fucking shit I own, it's about my fucking heart. And if you want to criticize me then go ahead just remember you're not fucking perfect. Whether it's that fucking math test you cheated on in fucking 7th grade or that girl you used for a fucking night,you're a fucking asshole. Fuck everything you have to fucking say because once again, I don't care. But I wish I did care about something. I'm eighteen years old, I shouldn't want to die as much as I really do. And I'm not just a little emotional fuck saying that for attention. I really wish I would die quite often. I feel like I don't have shit worth living for. But family is forever! Fuck that. I wish I had a fucking mom who cared about me and would always try making me feel better when I'm upset or a dad who would have a fucking catch with me or take me to a football game or some of that bullshit. Instead I have a mom who would rather tell me I'm a piece of shit than give me advice and a dad who has beat the shit out of me for no fucking reason. It may be sad to say but the best memories I have involving my father is the month he couldn't come within 100 feet of me. And I always liked my mom when I didn't know where she was. Like when she went to rehab and I had no clue she was gone for a month. I don't remember being as miserable than as I am now. And I see all these brothers and sisters on TV loving each other. I sit down everyday and wonder if that's just made up bullshit or it's just my 'family,' Why does my older brother who I used to look up to never come around? I see him once if that every six months. He only lives 20 minutes away,how come he never came and hung out with me like we would when we were little? And my oldest sister,when I was young she used to be one of my favorite people on the fucking earth and now I haven't heard from her in years,she's completely fucked up,has 3+ kids and none have the same fucking father. Whatever happened to morals? But my other sister,we lived together for awhile but I just lost my mind when I was gone. But why did she have so many problems? Why did she abuse drugs and alcohol so much and try killing herself all the fucking time? Was it because she felt the way I have for the past year? Who knows. And last but not least my younger brother,why the fuck is he such an asshole. He's fourteen years old and is so out of touch with reality it fucking baffles me. I know fourteen is young but it sure as hell is old enough to not be a fucking idiot like he is. "I'm not afraid to stab someone" so he he says,but he's just a giant paranoid 6 year old stuck in a older persons body. Why does he run away all the time? Does he think he has it bad? Parents that actually care for him.Is that bad these days? I will never fucking forget the day my dad beat the shit out of me just because he thought I hit him. Did I? No. My dad came outside and beat my fucking ass for him. And when I say that I don't mean he pulled me in the corner and spanked me. I mean he punched me in the fucking head over and over and over. I was on the ground and he fucking sat on me punching and punching. I was 15 years old getting beat up by a 300 pound 45 year old for no fucking reason. My mom sat in her fucking chair and watched him continue to kick the shit out of me. Why would anyone deserve that? Out of everyone in that fucking house why did I get it? What about my sister who was stealing my 'parents' credit cards,or my other sister who was out dealing/doing drugs. But me,the 15 year old who had so much fucking future until then. That's when I realized I really am fucked. 6 months later I get hit by a fucking truck and break both my legs. Why? Because I was riding my bike and some asshole wasn't paying attention. Why the fuck am I always forced miserable? What the fuck did I do to deserve all the bullshit that's happened to me? Why did the one fucking person I felt that actually loved me have to pass away? Why me?Why did I have to get kicked out of school when it was my fucking dream to graduate and shove it down my parents throats. I was a fucking A student and I got kicked out for living across the fucking street from the district. I could walk 5 fucking feet out my door and be considered in that fucking district. But no, I simply took up too much room in classes full of eight fucking kids. Well fuck schooling. It's a fucking waste of time. I don't care if I never do anything with my life because every time I set my fucking focus towards something it gets fucked. So I really don't give a shit about anything so maybe good things will happen since the adverse effect comes with good intentions. So fuck everything at least I know I'm doomed. But I do have one person who I know loves me back. She's pretty much the only reason I haven't jumped off a bridge or eaten a fucking battery yet. So I can't say everything in my life is awful cause I still have that one person who won't let me just give up and do nothing. Maybe that's what I've needed my whole life. Just one person who I know loves me to push me to do better for myself. Well let's just hope she's there to do so for awhile because I have a feeling she's it. After four or five months of knowing her I really feel more strongly about her than anyone in my entire fucking life. Call me a faggot if you want but just remember it's not about how long you've known someone or what you've done with them,it's about your fucking hearts yet again. So fuck off if you have shit to say because for once in my god damn shitty life I am happy. I'm seriously fucking happy with one thing and I intend to keep it that way. So whatever has given me all this shit in my life, fuck you. Well I guess it's time I get back to 'reality' and finish up at work. Oh and if you read this entire thing,I'm sorry for wasting your time. The end.

Fuck you

new jersey.I hate the cold,I just want it to be warm again.

And fuck shitty friends. I'm not wasting another second of my life on fat,asshole,inconsiderate,douche bags ever again.

sdfghjk

Work at 7 am sucks! especially with a show the night before. But I'm happy how things are turning out right now. I got to hang out with Alec last night and that ruled. Me him and Jason are going to philly today to get some records!woo! Me and Jason have been getting along really well lately too. We're trying to get a house or apartment or something together towards the fall so that's going to be awesome. If only Lauren were ungrounded I'd have my life set. But I'm not too worried about it. one more thing,FUCK THE WINTER! I hate the cold so much. It's cool when it's like october and you haven't had anything under like 55 in months but then once december is over,FUCK IT! I'm tired of driving to work in the morning with no heat since mines an idiot. I want it to be 80 forever. ah!

Note to self

Never eat chili when you don't have access to a bathroom for several hours ever again.

Fuck what you think

After about 3 or 4 months of seeing this girl i can honestly say I'm in love.I don't care how long you've been dating your gf/bf we really have something that i know other people don't.I've never felt such an intense connection with anyone else but her.So eat me out if you have something to say otherwise.

2 in 1 day?

Well today was interesting. Have you ever woken up and just knew it was going to be an awful day? Even though you've looked forward to this day for months,you still have that feeling in your stomach? Well I did today. I had to wake up at 630 for work and I got there 15 minutes early so I sat in my car hating my life until 7:15. I worked until 12 and planned on getting lauren after work to come hang out at my house then go to the show we had tonight. But at about 11:30 Lauren texts me and said her mom knows she's dating someone(mind you her mom is completely insane and won't let her date who she wants even though she's 18 so we've been sneaking around her the past 3 months.) Well she keeps texting me more and more bad news throughout the day and her mom went crazy and ran away or some shit? i just take it as ok I'm sure she'll cool down after a little bit.Well a few hours later I get the text saying we can't see each other anymore. And that coming from a person you've put so much work into making things work so well and falling in love with isn't too great. We have such a good connection and get along so well it just amazes me how perfect we are for each other(sorry for sounding like I love dick but I've never once felt this way towards a girl like this) Well me being in a shitty state of depression as it is try to basically end that resulting in me being mentally and physically unstable to do anything.I tried driving to jasons to go to the show but I had to pull over and eventually turn around cause I wasn't going to make it there too well and if I did I didn't want to hurt jason if I ended up driving to AJ's. Now I have no idea if I have any friends left and I'm not gonna be able to see my girlfriend much at all until her mom finally stops being so stubborn and finally meets me. I'm still dizzy and feeling goofy so I'm not too sure as to what's going on and I'm sure none of this makes sense but I just really need a place to vent. I really want to go to a therapist or something because I have way too many problems to just keep inside. Especially if I try 'hurting' myself as often as I do.Or at least think about it. I just hope everyone is gonna forgive me for being an idiot. but whatever,I just really need to get my life in order. I need to do something about this depression since it's only getting worse over the years. I still remember the first day i realized I had it I was real little. My parents were divorced from kindergarten through 6 grade and I'd come home from my mom's house on sundays and just cry in my room for no real reason. I don't think kids that young should have to do that.It really sucks how many problems I have and how shy i am so I don't open up to anyone to ever vent therefore they just get worse. And writing about it on the internet doesn't really help at all,it just makes me look pathetic.Well I really don't know how much this thing makes sense now so I'll just end it here.

FUCK

So after getting out of this area every once in awhile really shows me how shitty it is here. I'm tired of this fucking grey plain dirty town. I want to move somewhere where it's absolutely beautiful and actually fun. I don't care how far away I have to go to be happy or who the fuck won't be near me,I'm just sick of this suck. Maybe if it could be May all year long it would be awesome but thats not possible of course! Fuck you new jersey. Fuck you winter. I just want it to be 80 all year round and always fucking sunny. I'd be SO happy for once with just nice weather all the time. That and less inconsiderate,egotistical,racist,ignorant,and dumb kids. FUCK