4-20 (lol)

Finally just about done with my bike. All weekend has been spent converting it from a 12 speed to a single and I couldn't be happier. I repainted it to flat black and it looks real awesome. I'm getting new tires tomorrow and then a new single freewheel next week. After I'm all done with this I'm probably gonna do a fixed gear bike for the hell of it. But as for now I'm in love!

This months project.

This should be awesome. I'm getting a 1980's 12 speed western flyer bike on craigslist that I'm gonna turn into a fixed gear. So far the bike was $40 so I'm gonna try to do this as cheap,yet awesome as possible. I'm going to get it after work tomorrow,then hopefully get started on it friday. I'm really excited for this.

4-14

Have you ever realized you have nothing to live for and your entire existence is an utter waste of space?

I have.

I'm always tired

I don't remember the last good sleep I had. I'm gonna google how to sleep well and hopefully I won't have to be miserable all the time. It's sad when you have to google how to sleep.

4-2 Pt.2

I'm going to start using my voice. I'm not quietly hanging low anymore.

4-2

Fuck slumps. I'm always falling in em and it's getting real old. But after last night I realized I'm only growing closer to my friends. I've never felt as close to people as I have lately. I could sit in a car and talk all day about absolutely nothing at all. As unhappy as I am right now I'm relieved I've got good friends and good plans. I've been in a weird mental state of mind the past few weeks just knowing things are changing. And pretty damn drastic at that. It's refreshing though, seeing new faces, going new places, and forming new habits. I feel like a lot of good is going to come from all the mishaps,disappointments, and other things of that sort for once. There's so many rad things out there for me and I'm actually going to start taking advantage of them. I'm not even gonna say the phrase "just wait" like I always do because I always do and push it to the back of my list. Well I'm getting my hands on every opportunity that comes my way. And I love how I have so much things I get done while I'm at work. As shitty as it is, it gets my head running the way it should be. With everything in store for me and the future I can say I'm content.

On another note, it's pretty pathetic people are still hung up on things of the past. Writing blogs about me won't make you happy or cool or whatever it is you're looking for. It just shows you can't let go of the past and that's going to hold you back from doing bigger better things one day. You've still got a lot of learning to do though. Maybe not educational, but definitely mental.

4/1

I've been having some really weird dreams lately and they're really starting to freak me out. The other day I had one where I was driving home with my family late at night and all of a sudden it got bright out because of an impending bombing. I don't know why the hell it got light out but it did. Then all the rest of the dream I was trying to find ways to run escape it. That whole thing was just weird because I've been shit afraid of that kind of thing happening since I was a little kid. But the dream that really freaked me out was one I had this morning/last night. I was at the mall or with some friends and we were walking around. Then I get bored and somehow it's a school now and I walk into the library. I sit down on a couch and look behind the counter and see Frank. For those who don't know,Frank was a good friend of mine from school who passed away just over 2 years ago. So, I run up to him and get real happy seeing him. I guess in my dream I just thought I hadn't seen him in awhile or something simple. After the whole encounter with him I ran back over to who I came with and just said, "I absolutely love seeing real good old friends after a long time." And then I woke up. I'm still all freaked out from it because it is absolutely the shittiest feeling on earth when you lose a friend like that. You go every day with seeing them and talking to them and then they're just gone. I still remember the phone call I got about it too well. I was at my then girlfriends,Danielle, house sitting on the floor in her playroom thing watching TV. It was maybe 5 or 6 o' clock and Jimmy Kelly(of all people) called me and told me someone heard what had happened. I didn't believe him at first and thought of it as nothing since who he said had told him didn't seem like the best of resources. But after about 10 minutes of nothing but that running through my head, it really hit me. It was hands down the shittiest feeling I've ever had. I was just silent. Didn't want to talk to anyone or even open my eyes. I called my mom and had her come pick me up cause I just wanted to go home. So while waiting for her we sat on her front porch just confused. I got home and just let it all out in my room. I locked myself in there for days after school every day and just cried. And it takes a hell of a lot for me to do something like that. At school was the worst though. They made an announcement in the morning and had a moment of silence before the morning news. I don't think I said a single word for about two weeks in school. Just put my head down every period and kept to myself. There was something thing the counselors had in the library for "all of the people who were friends with him and had trouble being in school" which was basically a bullshit excuse to get out of a few periods of work. I couldn't even pull myself to go down there because I knew I'd only get worse. Thinking back on everything still bothers me an absurd amount to this day. After I woke up I went over to my shelf thing and picked up the piece of the newspaper I have framed that has a picture of him and a short description type deal. I read it over and realized it's been 2 years 2 weeks ago. So that got me feeling pretty shitty. I should do something cool on his birthday since it's about a week and a half away. I just wish I knew where he was buried at so I can go see him. Ughhhhhh.